How to say a positive No
The topic of my today's article is 'how to say a positive NO', you must be wondering what the heck, I know how to say a no, but in my experience I feel that at times these simple things get difficult, let us look at some examples. Your manager asked you work a third weekend in a row, this happened to be the same weekend you and your spouse planned for an outing long time back , you need break from hectic schedule ,but can you say no to your boss, your apprisals are fast approaching and the promotion is pending. Your child cries, I need a new gadget, you say you already have so many ,all my friends have it , how do you say No with out feeling guilty as a bad parent ?At the dinner table your spouse brings up the topic of your aged mother who reached a position where she is no longer safe living by herself, your spouse is vehmently against it how can you say No to your own mother? Daily you see lots of violence in the society , crime everywhere ,nations acquring nuclear weapons , how as a society are you going to say No ? Work is reaching home via email and cell phones, how are you going to set boundaries ,how are you going to protect your values, if you examine all this No is todays biggest challenge.
If you look at the core of why is it difficult to say No in some situations there is a tension thats maintained between your values and the relationship that your are tending to. We tend to fall in a 3-A trap. The first A is Accomadate, we give more importance to the relationship sacrificing some of our needs and interests, Second A is Attack, We literally dont care about the relationship, I factor is more important, if we accomadate out of fear , we attack out of anger.The third A is Avoid, we know the problem exisits but we neither Accomadate nor Attack , we simply Avoid the situation hoping that one day the problem will be gone by itself.
Let me cite you an example from my life, me and my collegue joined the company the same day, and so that we can learn were given the same kind of work. she started heavily depending on me for problem solving, I accomadated I thought we have to help each other out and soon she started bragging before my manager as if its her own ideas ,one fine day on an in oppurtune moment i came out ugly and attacked her behaviour and then I started avoiding hoping that one day the problem will be gone and needless to say it dint.
Thats where my pursuit of how to say a NO positively began, I thought there should be a way out and luckily I found out, There is indeed a way to say NO positively. The diffence between a NO and a positive NO is when a NO starts with a NO and ends with a NO, a positive NO starts with a YES has a NO in between and ends with a NO.If you imagine a tree, the roots are the first yes, the trunk is the NO and the leaves and other foliage above are the second Yes.Indeed we have to learn a lot from tree ,it knows how to stand firm and its roots and reach out to greater hieghts.
Lets talk about the first yes, when you are saying NO that means you are trying to protect something that you value , first try to unearth that ,what are you saying YES to ,what values ,interest of yours is that you are trying to protect .Never react out of any negative emotion, take a time out ,let the emotions play watch what your emotions have to say.One more thing I found really useful is to verbally put what you are feeling ,I am feeling afraid that my promotion is at loss, I am feeling insecure that my identity is being stolen..just put into words.Unearth your yes, it may take hours, days or more, go into depths of self and see what you feel is at stake.At this point dont worry about how you are going to say NO ,just try to look into yourself and uncover your yes.
Next comes how you are going to say NO, how others might react to your NO,It is certain that not everyone reacts positively to your NO. Come up with a plan B .Coming up with plan B when you are preparing your NO is very important it will help you to convert all those negative anger and emotions to a positive resolve and confidence. Brainstrom with friends ,.At times a simple straight matter of fact NO is enough. See if any one else is also interested in your position ,does any of other coworker is also facing the same issue ,look out. After uncovering your Yes and with a Plan B you can calmly delivery your NO. If possible communicate to the other person why you are saying NO what is the YES that you have uncovered.
The last YES is the future relationship that you are looking forwarded to, let the other person save his face. Others Respect is something that means so much to the other person and means little to you which might benefit you a lot.So give respect ,deliver your no emphaisize on the future relationship ,A simple Thank YOU! very much I look forwarded to work with you again is enough you dont have to be too long too...
I hope I find these tips useful in your daily life, I personally benefited a lot from this technique and wish it will to you too...
If you look at the core of why is it difficult to say No in some situations there is a tension thats maintained between your values and the relationship that your are tending to. We tend to fall in a 3-A trap. The first A is Accomadate, we give more importance to the relationship sacrificing some of our needs and interests, Second A is Attack, We literally dont care about the relationship, I factor is more important, if we accomadate out of fear , we attack out of anger.The third A is Avoid, we know the problem exisits but we neither Accomadate nor Attack , we simply Avoid the situation hoping that one day the problem will be gone by itself.
Let me cite you an example from my life, me and my collegue joined the company the same day, and so that we can learn were given the same kind of work. she started heavily depending on me for problem solving, I accomadated I thought we have to help each other out and soon she started bragging before my manager as if its her own ideas ,one fine day on an in oppurtune moment i came out ugly and attacked her behaviour and then I started avoiding hoping that one day the problem will be gone and needless to say it dint.
Thats where my pursuit of how to say a NO positively began, I thought there should be a way out and luckily I found out, There is indeed a way to say NO positively. The diffence between a NO and a positive NO is when a NO starts with a NO and ends with a NO, a positive NO starts with a YES has a NO in between and ends with a NO.If you imagine a tree, the roots are the first yes, the trunk is the NO and the leaves and other foliage above are the second Yes.Indeed we have to learn a lot from tree ,it knows how to stand firm and its roots and reach out to greater hieghts.
Lets talk about the first yes, when you are saying NO that means you are trying to protect something that you value , first try to unearth that ,what are you saying YES to ,what values ,interest of yours is that you are trying to protect .Never react out of any negative emotion, take a time out ,let the emotions play watch what your emotions have to say.One more thing I found really useful is to verbally put what you are feeling ,I am feeling afraid that my promotion is at loss, I am feeling insecure that my identity is being stolen..just put into words.Unearth your yes, it may take hours, days or more, go into depths of self and see what you feel is at stake.At this point dont worry about how you are going to say NO ,just try to look into yourself and uncover your yes.
Next comes how you are going to say NO, how others might react to your NO,It is certain that not everyone reacts positively to your NO. Come up with a plan B .Coming up with plan B when you are preparing your NO is very important it will help you to convert all those negative anger and emotions to a positive resolve and confidence. Brainstrom with friends ,.At times a simple straight matter of fact NO is enough. See if any one else is also interested in your position ,does any of other coworker is also facing the same issue ,look out. After uncovering your Yes and with a Plan B you can calmly delivery your NO. If possible communicate to the other person why you are saying NO what is the YES that you have uncovered.
The last YES is the future relationship that you are looking forwarded to, let the other person save his face. Others Respect is something that means so much to the other person and means little to you which might benefit you a lot.So give respect ,deliver your no emphaisize on the future relationship ,A simple Thank YOU! very much I look forwarded to work with you again is enough you dont have to be too long too...
I hope I find these tips useful in your daily life, I personally benefited a lot from this technique and wish it will to you too...
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